roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
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