The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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