just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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