he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
