did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
