I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
