I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
