You can't special order awesome
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
