Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
