Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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