i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
