youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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