you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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