I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
