I cannot find my penis.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
