as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I love you.
Bad choice
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