We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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