Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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