If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's blow job season.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Still dying that you shit outside
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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