If i come over, it means nothing
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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