my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
honey bunches of taint.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
