I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
