how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
