I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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