Having a random hookup so left but love u
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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