I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
