Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
