Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
