He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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