You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
