Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
