in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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