My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
