I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
