So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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