drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
