Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
