grandma shit on top of the toilet
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
