There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I had to cum in my sink.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
