i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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