I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
