Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
