and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
