dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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