i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
