hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
