You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
