Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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