god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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