Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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