Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
