I just saw a hot homeless man
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
